The Game of Life (not the Milton-Bradford board game; I'm talking about the time between you being born and getting dead), like every other game has a beginning, an end, a way to win, and a way to lose. It also has rules that govern the way the game is played. Change the rules and you change the game; break the rules and you lose the game. Relationships, familial, marital, workplace, cultural, social, and with one's self, are also games; they have a beginning, an end, a way to win, and a way to lose. They also have rules that govern the way that the game is played. Break the rules and there is a better than even chance you'll lose this game as well.
You say your relationships are not games because they have no formal rules? Take another guess, there are rules; they're either explicit, which means they are clearly defined or they are implicit which means they are an unmarked minefield. If partners in a relationship have not clearly defined the rules the game is a variation of Russian Roulette. Let's wander into this a little bit.
It amazes me that folks are not aware that every time they begin a relationship; personal, social, work, school, casual, or with the customer service guy on the telephone, Ground Rules ("GR") are created and put into play. While it is true that the seriousness of the relationship will determine the scope and intensity of the GR, they are nonetheless put into play. When we don't take time to establish, define, and clarify the GR we are left with a "no holds barred" situation where anything goes; kinda like living in France. In effect, if you don't tell your spouse that they DO NOT get to trade you in on a newer model, or try a few on over the years, then they get to! Expecting others to exercise "Common Sense" in relationships is the same as expecting them to be mind readers. In my experience there is not a hell of a lot of common sense in relationships anyway... and given that my belief is that "expectation" is just the mother of disappointment so I'm no good in succeeding in the application of either myth. So if you are like Dick and Jane Von Trapp and didn't sit down for however long was necessary to define the rights, privileges, and responsibilities (complete with consequences) of being in relationship you have already found yourself screamin' something stupid, like "That's not fair!", or you are gonna down the road. What's "fair" and "not fair", unless I miss my guess, is determined by the GR and if you don't got none, there ain't any "not fair."
If you didn't take the time at the outset to create agreement to a clear, clean, specific set of GR you'd be surfing for more brain damage by not doing it now. Sure, it's gonna take some time and there is the risk that whoever is not gonna wanna play by these GR and will choose out. That's the possible consequences of not having exercised clear choice in the first place; kinda like blowing your dumb ass up is a possible consequence for playing with a hand grenade... Don't see that there's any other way to avoid sawing the branch off that you're sitting on except to change the way you're sitting.
Love to hear your pondering...
You say your relationships are not games because they have no formal rules? Take another guess, there are rules; they're either explicit, which means they are clearly defined or they are implicit which means they are an unmarked minefield. If partners in a relationship have not clearly defined the rules the game is a variation of Russian Roulette. Let's wander into this a little bit.
It amazes me that folks are not aware that every time they begin a relationship; personal, social, work, school, casual, or with the customer service guy on the telephone, Ground Rules ("GR") are created and put into play. While it is true that the seriousness of the relationship will determine the scope and intensity of the GR, they are nonetheless put into play. When we don't take time to establish, define, and clarify the GR we are left with a "no holds barred" situation where anything goes; kinda like living in France. In effect, if you don't tell your spouse that they DO NOT get to trade you in on a newer model, or try a few on over the years, then they get to! Expecting others to exercise "Common Sense" in relationships is the same as expecting them to be mind readers. In my experience there is not a hell of a lot of common sense in relationships anyway... and given that my belief is that "expectation" is just the mother of disappointment so I'm no good in succeeding in the application of either myth. So if you are like Dick and Jane Von Trapp and didn't sit down for however long was necessary to define the rights, privileges, and responsibilities (complete with consequences) of being in relationship you have already found yourself screamin' something stupid, like "That's not fair!", or you are gonna down the road. What's "fair" and "not fair", unless I miss my guess, is determined by the GR and if you don't got none, there ain't any "not fair."
If you didn't take the time at the outset to create agreement to a clear, clean, specific set of GR you'd be surfing for more brain damage by not doing it now. Sure, it's gonna take some time and there is the risk that whoever is not gonna wanna play by these GR and will choose out. That's the possible consequences of not having exercised clear choice in the first place; kinda like blowing your dumb ass up is a possible consequence for playing with a hand grenade... Don't see that there's any other way to avoid sawing the branch off that you're sitting on except to change the way you're sitting.
Love to hear your pondering...
I agree that ""expectation" is just the mother of disappointment", and I understand that relationships need ground rules. However, what I don't understand is how do you create ground rules and consequences in a relationship if the other person simply doesn't wanna play?
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